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It’s safe … you can come out!

Oh hello!

We discussed being brave & broken, checking your ego, now let’s talk about feeling safe enough to come on out.

Getting divorced can take a toll on you and your ego … it feels like failure and disappointment especially when kids are involved. You work so hard at something … you have a fantasy in your

mind and you try to stay in it … and then BAM it’s over. As mothers, we spend so much time worrying about if our kids are ok that we lose sight of taking care of our own emotions. When I got divorced we sold our family home so quickly that I had no choice but to get into survival mode … my whole system was frozen. I had to find somewhere to live and stay in a small radius so my children’s lives weren’t completely altered. I prayed and prayed until I was lucky enough to find something thanks to a friend of a friend … it was like God came down and gave me a gift, gratitude in that moment is an understatement. Ok we can put a check in that box, one thing done.

Next step is to make that house a home for my kids … make it so they feel as minimal change as possible … make it so they feel safe … never thinking about my own safety or healing, once again abandoning myself. Wow! I just realized that. This is all happening during the pandemic mind you so the world is slowly opening up and my business is slowly rebuilding … and when I say slowly, I mean slowly. Everywhere I looked was more change … this is where the ego kicks in to protect because the ego doesn’t like change … not a fan lol … more reason to stay frozen.

All the while this is happening, I have a new freedom that I don’t know what to do with … I have been married for 20 years and was a whole other version of myself … now I had shed all these layers got back to basics and was on ny journey home … or so I thought, in reality I was frozen but in motion. Is it safe to come out yet? Ok, I begin dating … yo this shit is scary. I’m a mother of three and they are constantly at the forefront of any decision I make. Forget it I don’t want to do this and then in this new found freedom I reconnect with my childhood sweetheart … you know that guy who stole your heart when you were young and free but like I said young and free so after 3 years of love and growing pains, you go your separate ways. We both married other people and had children, a whole other life nd then here we are one day sipping wine and catching up. Whoa! What is happening … we were both honestly in shock. All those feelings come rushing in … but with that all those old icky childish ways want to come too and you have to tell them to take a seat. Your olderwiser and taking it slow or so you think. Well what exactly does slow mean … it has been a rollercoaster of slow, fast, some twirly whirly’s and steep drops … he has held a mirror so clean and bright up to my face. We have triggered (he hates that word lol) so many emotions in each other, we have challenged each other, we have pushed each other out of our comfort zones, and we have had to learn how to appreciate the fun, the love, the messy, the raw, and all the versions of one another. And I’m not gonna lie … I have quite a few. I can not even believe what this connection has done to and for me … the greatest game changer.

We have both made so many mistakes but this is my blog so I’m just gonna talk about me lol. My freeze response, my survival mode and my ego has caused so many of those steep drops on the ride … I have not made it easy. I have frozen to the point where I couldn’t be myself, my fears prevented me from completely letting go and trusting. My anxious attachment had me anticipating abandonment at every turn, and my fear of being unsafe caused me to stay frozen. But guess what?! Hell I’m learning … I’m sitting in it now more than ever and I’m growing … I’m willing to be messy and free myself from my own icky shit. I have processed guilt, shame, fear, sadness, and grief about my entire life all through out this time. I have completely unraveled and am stilll rebuilding me, does this shit ever end? No … I’ll answer that … working to be a better me is an ongoing process.

But, the best part I have also made some of my favorite memories while we are learning all of this. When you reconnect with your childhood sweetheart you get to stay young together, I used to think you needed someone to grow old with but you need someone to stay young with, life is too heavy to be “old”. I wanted to be a “grown up” my whole life … rushed every stage … and even would play “family” or “friends” with my sister so we could be pretend grown ups. But now that we are here it’s so nice to play together … in some sense we had a part in raising each other. There are many pieces of me that were formed from my earlier years with him … my love of 90s R&B, my love of Salsa music, my love of dancing came back to life, my goofiness, my inside jokes, not taking myself so serious and cleaning with fabulouso (his grandma who I loved always had that shit on deck) … all formed from those years.

The point of all of this is that when you get divorced and become a single mom, no matter how great of co parents you and if you can stay friends .., you are hesitant to come out, it just doesn’t feel safe. How can you ever trust yourself again? You had a dream and you were wrong. The pieces fell apart and here you are rebuilding … trust? Hell no! But I promise if you take that step … no it will not be easy, yes it can get messy, but you have to get out of your own way. It’s the only way to grow, to live, to experience and to love … even in your messiness it’s safe to come out, your going to find your way, you’re gonna come home and you will be loved for all of it!

Love & Light always

xoxo - Gina Rose aka Gee

P.S- Thank you to everyone who has been reaching out and connecting and sharing your stories … we are all growing together and being vulnerable is so scary but so worth it!

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