Brave & Broken

Both of these pieces of you can simultaneously exist at once, shocking I know, but I found out the hard way.

As I sit here at my desk in my cozy office that I so carefully created, I feel as if I have been living a lie. Everything around me is so carefully placed, well thought out and appears to be the home for a "Girl on Fire" when in actuality it has become a hiding place for someone who was FROZEN.

Yes, FROZEN!

I started out on my healing journey many years ago ... it was a slow start ... I was trying to leave a very toxic friendship, step into who I knew I truly was and at the same time stay on auto pilot at home to prevent the ultimate Tower. If you are familiar with the Tower in Tarot Cards, its the one where everything is falling out of the tower, like shit is hitting the fan. Heads up, there was no preventing that Tower. Ultimately I left the friendship with minor bruising, started my own business with a lot of blood sweat and tears, and before I knew it my marriage was over. All in a matter of 6 months. That is a lot of shit for one tiny body to process.

Now on the outside this may have appeared to others and even myself like this was one unstoppable woman .... a true "Girl on Fire" .... NOPE! This was a woman who was about to freeze up, auto pilot went on and my nervous system froze. Taking anymore big steps just felt like too much to handle .... btw, I had no idea this was even happening until recently. I felt like I was still in motion. Business was re-starting after the pandemic, we were growing, I finally found a place to live with my children and I was laser focused on survival. See, I had been a stay at home mom for 15 years, never worked, kept myself in a safe bubble of fantasy, and feared the reality of what I ultimately knew in my heart. My marriage was built on survival so of course it only felt natural to be back in that state. When you are in survival mode, everything inside of you tends to freeze. Everything that may feel good is in actuality scary because the fear of losing that is too much. So we self sabotage ... I'm learning that I was a master at this. Instead of leaning into love and what feels good, I creat messes of people pleasing, staying silent, and not stirring the pot until the fucking pot overflows. I think I'm doing this protect myself but all im doing os causing more resentment and hurt inside. I knew this about myself in the past but I thought after all the work I had done I was healed ... not true .... it just came in with a disguise. New faces, unfamiliar territory but same self sabotage.

As of recently, my pot overflowed and I thawed out realizing how frozen I actually was. Realizing that I came to complete halt ... all the next steps to move forward with my life never happened. How could I be of any good to anyone else when I was too afraid to put myself first. Now the work begins again. I am broken ... yes that's how the light gets in they say.

I am letting the light in to finally become who I was so proudly becoming ... I am letting the light in so I can heal all the pain I felt from that tower ... I am letting the light in to forgive myself for not knowing better and for letting fear drive my car ... I am forgiving myself for being too afraid to listen to the guidance from others and my own inner voice ... and I am committing to finally stepping into all I can be by letting love in and trusting it to stay.

We can be BRAVE & BROKEN all at once ... it's how we finally heal!

Sending love & light as always xoxo Gina Rose