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EGO ... time to CHECK IT!

I have been saying for a while now that I can feel the ego's swirling around ... I couldn't understand why but I knew I felt something. I'm learning that was my ego as well. Ego's are healthy as long as you don't let them take control or make the decisions. Ego's help us with our self worth ... the way we view ourselves but they also jump in to protect you even when you don't need protection ... it's up to yourSELF to know the difference.

I have been deep diving as you know into my whole being ... my how, why, and working on healing so I can be my best self. There is a fine line between a healthy ego and an unhealthy one .... we as humans naturally teeter totter. Our ego can get bruised and then comes back even stronger like a super ego. I mean being a fitness instructor really can take a toll on your ego if you don't know how to put it in check. People walk out on your class ... choose other instructors ... stop coming to you at all. It's a battle until you put your ego in check and realize it's not about you and not everyone is for you ... taking those things personal is a disservice to yourself only and can just put your ego on high alert for more reasons to feel not chosen.

But when we don't keep our egos in check we tend to make little messes. I personally struggle with my ego from time to time. I have many times where I feel unworthy, unlovable, and can't always see myself the way others do or at least they tell me they do. But my unhealthy ego kicked in shortly after my divorce to protect me from losing my power. I worked so hard to feel independent, open my business and learn how to stand on my own two feet (truth be told I'm just learning that part). I would always go back and forth with being defensive at times but in romantic relationships it wasn't good. I have been really quiet about this chapter in my life but it's time to open up ... so much has happened and how can I lead if I don't take the lead. See giving my heart away made me feel like I was giving myself away ... I have an anxious attachment so my fear abandonment runs deep and at this point in my life it was way deeper.. At times I have even abandoned myself, which I do not recommend. But giving my heart to someone else would mean to me that I handed them the power to hurt me, so when conflict would arise I would get out my boxing gloves, metaphorically speaking of course. And instead of hearing what the person was fighting for I could only hear what they were fighting about ... there is a huge difference I am learning. We find the things to fight about but the underlying is what we are craving ... whether it be to be seen, to have power, to feel valued or a list of anything else. Now hindsight is 20/20 (I think that's the saying) I am great at giving advice but I'm learning I kind of suck at taking it. In those moments I would naturally try to defend myself to not lose power but I wasn't paying attention to the core of what was happening and you have to handle me with kit gloves at that point to make me budge. But the problem is I don't come with a manual and most people don't assume that about me because my ego allows me to appear confident on the outside even though its farthest from the truth. I am, as we have learned a little broken, aren't we all ... when I was growing up if there was fighting I would immediately escape to my room, blast the music and drown out the pain. When things would happen around me I would kick in my maternal instinct to take care of others but essentially abandon myself and my own feelings. It must have been a way to protect myself in the moment but did so much more harm in the long run. If I did something that caused my parents to be upset with me and they would not talk to me or talk more to my sister because they were disappointed in me, that was more confirmation of abandonment. I am not placing blame at all because these examples are things that can happen in a child's life but I happen to be hyper-sensitive as a child and an adult, Pisces moon and rising so don't let the Leo fool you. As I sit here typing my body is getting anxious and tears are streaming just from connecting with those emotions.

So as an adult post divorce, my ego would jump in to protect me ...protect me from what ... that's the thing about your ego when it's unhealthy, it doesn't care why it just goes in. I wouldn't lose my power by being open to someone else's opinion or advice, but I was so broken that it couldn't tell the difference. My poor boyfriend wanted to be seen and valued and poor me wanted to not lose power ... never once hearing what we were fighting for just what it was about. Both parties play their own roles in these conflicts and you work through them but I am seeing my part loud and clear ... my accountability is at an all time high. So if you had to also deal with that version of me I apologize, she was in survival mode. Fuck I'm just stepping out of it now. Fall seven times get up 8 is what they say ... I'm getting back up I promise.

My ego prevented me at times from seeing other points of view if my nervous system felt threatened and that's why it's time to put it in check. No more of this bullshit ... no one can take your power ... let the love in … that's the thing it's yours to have and to hold. But I needed to get down here to see that ... giving your heart away doesn't make you weak, it makes you very brave. Giving love and receiving love is what makes us strong ... pushing it away and building walls is our ego ... keeping it at arm's length is ego ... leading with fear is ego ... letting it in is SELF.

Let's lead with SELF ... let's be open and vulnerable and turn conflict into connection ... we need so much more of this in our lives!

If this hits home for you please feel free to message me ...I would love to hear your feedback, stories and hell I'll take all guidance.

Love & Light always

xoxo _ Gina Rose aka "Gee"

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